Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.