My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.