My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
You Might Also Like
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Made something I’m not proud of
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
fourth time’s the charm
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.