Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

I’d use my best pan on you.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.