My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock