My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah