Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

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Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.