My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
You Might Also Like
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M: