My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I enjoy a good short stor
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine