My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Happy thanksgiving
