My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends