Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

this is uni

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?