My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Smile Twitter, Smile.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.