Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?