My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
😭😭😭
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?