My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Well, that should do it
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears