My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Auto correct is my worst enema.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
iPhone X
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Happens to everyone.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”