My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
The internet is full of many things
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?