Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything