My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
then why did i get this email
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger