My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?