Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Breaking news:

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.