My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
incredible
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.