My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
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My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
You’ll be OK
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.