My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
That’s what I call a flat tire
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa