My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m never leaving this app.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.