My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
#parenting
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …