My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard