Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

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My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Unimpressed

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.