My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf