My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs