My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
they split up moments later
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.