Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”