*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.