Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

the greatest twitter interaction

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

more water

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.