I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Succinctly put.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.