Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.
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*flipping through recipes*
I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
G:That sounds right
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.