My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.

You Might Also Like


Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.


*flipping through recipes*

I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.


Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.


Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!


My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.


GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldnโ€™t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:That sounds right


Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.


Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.