My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
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*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I was just discussing this with my cat
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.