My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”