My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.