My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.