My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
You Might Also Like
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
asked my bf how work was today
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit