Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

If snakes were wide

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

*ernest hemingway voice*

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality