Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.