My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning