My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.