My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
another case of gang violins
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.