My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
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What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Cause of death: Zumba
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me