Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Things will get butter, keep churning