My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Hot Hot Hot
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.