My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
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kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
want me to check your oil?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Animal poetry
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
