My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
