Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Here to help

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first