My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Lmao
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
normalize having existential bread
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”