My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet