My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
That’s amazing.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
gentlemen, hear me out
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.