My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Yup!
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.