My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
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My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Always 🥴
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times