My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
excuse me
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.