My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
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I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
who wants to go expliring
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!