her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
who will stop them
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Breaking news:
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?