Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

Voting is the worst group project

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night