My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head