My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.