@Contwixt

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

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@haveigotnews

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

@msmollybee25

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

@Jebo_te_patak

You say tomato, I say that’s a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you’re all “tomato.” You can leave.

@CA_Country

My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you’ll need a shovel and map to find him.

@timdonakowski

After weeks of being called lazy, not only did I put up all our Christmas decorations today, I also took them down.

@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

@WhaJoTalkinBout

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married