Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

me hooking up with my ex

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT