My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
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My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My Plans 2020
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Phones down.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.