My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
You Might Also Like
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I mean…but I did
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Easy enough.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.