My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
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Just grow your own
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Mornin. * use accordingly
I’m putting together a team
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy