My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.