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20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Me too
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.