My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!